This endeavor started off with sharing and exploring all of my creative pursuits...retiring to open my beautiful art studio and sharing art throughout my community.
In 2026, my world collapsed around me...imploding after the suicide of my husband. I lost my business, my home, my friends, my community, my livelihood...with a move from Canton, Ohio to Seattle, Washington to be near two of my children and grandchildren. At 56 years old I am literally starting completely over.
I am trying to find myself because I don't know who I am now. I am not the same person. I am struggling to make art out of my broken spirit and heart. I am navigating how to work through everything new, from where I live, what I do and more. In the middle of it all, I hope I can find a glimmer of light.
Grief does not just hurt, it rewires your days. I’m juggling the ordinary and the unbearable at the same time: picking up my granddaughters after therapy, planning a whale watching trip that’s equal parts excitement and anxiety, and trying to let it sink in that my daughter is taking me to Hawaii. These “yes” moments feel surreal, but they’re also how I’m building new memories when everything inside me wants to shut down.
I also share a raw update on my mental health and healing process, including my first group therapy session. When it’s my turn to talk, I can’t get the words out at first, and that experience reminds me how real trauma lives in the body. We talk about common grief patterns like intrusive replay, the exhausting “should’ve” thoughts, unexpected anger, and the strange feeling of catching yourself laughing and not knowing what to do with it.
Creativity is the thread I’m holding onto. From setting up an easel and trying to paint my way back to brightness, to reading for perspective, to making art with kids, I’m looking for practical ways to stay here. My granddaughters even design their own custom mahjong tiles using their drawings, including a little cryptid they call “pants,” and that kind of playful making brings real light into a heavy season.
If you’re navigating grief, trauma, or creative healing, come listen, then share what helps you get through the hardest moments. Subscribe, send this to a friend who needs hope, and leave a review so more people can find Beautifully Made.
Hello, welcome back to a new episode of Beautifully Made. Um, we are ending this month this week. This has been um pretty consistent for me, so I'm glad that that's worked out. Um, yeah, I'm wearing one of my new products from my my website. This has got like a little pink velore sequence sleeve with my sardine drawings on it. Um, it just came in, my sample came in, and it's super cute. But um brought a smile to my face, so I thought I would wear that today, and I get my granddaughters this afternoon. Uh this is Wednesday, so this is uh my therapy session today, this afternoon, and I'll get the girls after
that. And we are going whale watching tomorrow, so I'm very excited about getting to spend the afternoon doing something that is uh touristy, I guess, for the area and getting to spend some time with them. Um one's a little apprehensive about being on the boat, and the other one is very excited, and so it's balancing out their anxiety about it in mind because we're doing this together. Um, but I'm really excited that we're gonna go on this little adventure before uh school starts for them. And uh it's uh something that I think that will have some good memories made after this little excursion. So yeah, so I'm very I'm looking forward to that and doing that activity with them tomorrow. And uh, and then my daughter, my my second oldest daughter and I are going on our own little adventure. We're leaving this weekend and gonna spend a few days together in a very tropical place. So she's taking me to Hawaii. Um, and it's sinking in that I'm going to get to see that state. It's very surreal for me to realize that being in Washington, you're so close to that area. Um, and it, you know, the flight isn't that long, and the expenses because you're already here in Seattle, aren't as crazy as what they would have been if I was trying to plan it from Ohio. So just yeah, very, very strange for me to let that sink in that I'm gonna get to do that and make a memory with her. I've always wanted to take time to travel with my daughters, and I've never got to do that. And so we're making up for that. And I'm very, very excited to uh get to spend a few days with her to do that. I'm really looking forward to it. And um uh when she suggested it, uh I'm just like, yeah, why not? Why say no? Let's make it work.
And um the uh website that I've been you know relying on right now for some income coming in and my artwork being shared is doing really well. So I'm very, very grateful for that. Um and so yeah, so I was like, yeah, I can do this. And um I've been looking at jobs on Indeed. It's so weird to think about maybe going back into the workforce and wanting to find out what else I could probably do to um, you know, do something valuable with my time and uh yeah, to see what's out there and uh creatively. So uh it's just I don't know. I've got to try to look at life like a new adventure now. I really am just trying to stay open to everything.
Um, I went to my first group therapy session last night. Um, it was in a beautiful part of the city. Um so uh it also had to drive in the dark because it was in the evening, but that's okay. Uh, but it was enlightening. Um, it was really hard when it came around to my portion to share. I literally couldn't do it. I had to like wait and come back around. I couldn't talk. It was just really, really hard. And everybody's grief journey was different, different reasons for bringing them into the group. And there were still common threads that were felt. So, um, you know, in honoring the privacy, you know, I can't really talk about anything else other than um the facilitators were wonderful. And one at the end came directly to me and gave me another resource in the area um that I did apply for when I got home. And uh yeah, I'm willing to get help through all of this in any way that I can. I know I can't do this by myself. This is yeah, this is a lot. And um, so I was very grateful that they saw that that may be very valuable to me. Um, and I uh I guess you have to be interviewed to be part of it, um, which is fine. You know, they're really trying to vet everybody and understand their journey and what brings them there. And um, and uh it was kind of like the group that I went to see on on Sunday. Uh there was a group meeting at a bookstore in Bothell, and darling, third third place books, I think that's what it was called. So sweet. I love that bookstore. And there was a knitting, like a yarn store down below, and I got to see that. I gotta go back there. Um, they did have some uh needle felting, they even carried some of the kits that I used to have in my store, so it was just a beautiful little store, but um yeah, I'm just getting out there and exploring and learning the area and talking to people and just trying to find out really how to redefine myself and what I do and who I am and how I want to create.
Um, the girls and I went to see the uh anniversary showing a La La Land at uh the mall and a huge theater. Like when you walked in, the presentation of like the entrance was just ginormous, it was gorgeous. And um then we went to Michael's afterwards, and I haven't been to a Michael's since I moved here, and they had their sale, of course, on their canvases because I've been trying to find some large canvases to paint, so I snagged for those, and so I do have my easel out and I kind of just want to wheel it outside and just kind of paint. So um if I get to do that, I'll make a little video and share because I have been sharing how hard it's been for me to find brightness and light and like that happy thread that has always been part of me. Um it's just everything's been so heavy, and I want to find that again, and it's really, really difficult. So I just kind of want to just freely go outside and just kind of paint. So maybe I'll do that this afternoon with the girls. Um, I know that they've been doing some art every time they come here. We've been doing jewelry, painting, um, fiber art, cross-stitching, stuff like that. Uh, but yeah, so I kind of just want to get my my paints and brushes and things out and just kind of see what is in my heart, if anything, yeah. And just kind of paint and um and just try to enjoy that. But I'm getting there, I'm getting the supplies together that I need and trying to figure out like what I want to come out of all of this. Um, I've been drawing um and doing things for all like my mahjong and stuff, but um just to kind of paint a canvas and and do some free just style stuff. I I need to let myself go and do that. Um, it's really hard to find that inspiration in the quiet moments. My mind just goes to all of the things that are troubling me and um replaying a lot of things that have been happening. And I um struggling with how to get
past that. I've been reading a lot more, reading some books. I think I shared that last week. Um, did find some books, a couple that my therapist suggested. I did end up buying them. Um, and then just some books that um I've been reading Matt Haig. Um, so I finally got uh The Midnight Library. I wanted to read that. I feel like my life is just all these different stories. And a couple people were talking about how the things that have happened in their grief are replaying like in their head, and that happens with me. This whole thing feels like this weird movie that when I stop, I've got this soundtrack in my head of things that trigger the memories of the day that I find out and the day that I've been, you know, replaying and opening that door and the police being there and things like that. It was just so traumatizing. And then all the trauma after and things that have happened since it's it's these just you know horrific clips in my head that I want to replace with good things and trying to make better memories and trying to be strong, and uh that's the only choice I have. I you know, you can't just as much as you want to just lay down and curl up and just cry, which I do. I find myself just dealing with all this anger, it's really really hard to explain. I'm not an angry person. I've had a lot of bad crap happen in my life. I've gotten through it, and I take ownership of everything, but it's um it's so overwhelming, it's so overwhelming, you know, and the shoulds, I guess that's a thing in grief, you know. Don't let those overwhelm you. And it's you know, I should the should'ves are are a real thing. There's a lot of things that I should be doing, or I should feel this way by now, or this should have passed. And um it's hard to shove the should's um, but it feels weird to laugh. Like I just caught myself doing that. Yeah. This is this is a very insane feeling. It really is. So if that comes across, you're catching it, you're getting it. You see, you see me. I don't know how else to put it. It's just it's just something that you cannot explain, and it's very difficult to navigate. So I really want my art to help me get through it. I thought last night was going to be more art-based, like I thought we were going to do an activity or something like that. So it wasn't anything like that, which is fine. I've never been in a group, you know, therapy session. I had no idea what to expect. But um, when I read the description, I thought I understood that that was going to be maybe that is down the road. I don't know. They only meet once a month. But um, but yeah, I'm anxious to see this other uh organization and hear from them. And the one that I met with on Sunday was very kind, very nice. She was um a facilitator here in the area. Um, but it's um interesting. It really is. So just wanted to share a little update and hopefully share some art that I'm making with you. Uh or you know, that I'm making and can share it with you.
Um, my granddaughters want to do a creative podcast together and do, you know, little projects so the kiddos can follow along. So we may work on that coming up here soon after I get back from my trip. But um there's all kinds of things that they want to make. And the funniest thing has been they've been designing their own mahjong tiles. And so I have a printer uh sticker machine, and so I bought blank ones and I took their drawings and I made their own tiles for them because they love playing. I've taught them how to play, and we play with like a mini major card, and um the the littlest one, the six-year-old, she's obsessed with cryptid, like the spooky, scary cryptids. But this was particular one they call pants. So it's like the Fresno night crawler where it looks like it's a pair of pants walking. She's obsessed with that one, and so she draws it all the time, and so she drew pants, and then it has little pumpkins with it, and then her sister did a moon, and so we took all their artwork and put it together and made a mat. And then I took all their artworks and made all the suits for their for their uh mahjong tiles, and so they now have their own custom set of mahjong, they're just little stickered ones, but they love it, and it just is so cool to show kids how you can take your artwork and turn it into something that's tangible and that you get to hold, it's not just something on the refrigerator. And uh, I've made their labels for school and their stickers, um and they just in their drawings, like to them, that comes to life, and so it's so fun to encourage them to draw and see what you can do with it, and um again, that brings me so much joy, so much light, and uh that's what I have to keep focusing
on. And if you've dealt with grief and you're an artist and you're on the other side years down the road, and how it's changed you, share with me. Let me know how you're getting through it. I've been talking to another friend who's a photographer, and um she's dealt with some deep grief, and um, there's so much positive light in her voice as much as it hurts, and that's very uplifting. And I I appreciate her candor and sharing in that, and it gives me hope that I can get through this because it just some days are just really heavy and moments catch you off guard, and um it's it's really just something that I'm gonna have to sit with for the rest of my life, and I just want to do myself justice in getting through it all and uh not burdening anybody. That's my biggest biggest thing. So I appreciate it when you share and let me know how you're doing to get through it. Gives me ideas, gives me some perspective, gives me some hope that um I can make it through. So um otherwise, all these terrible statistics that you start getting when you are trying to navigate how to handle stuff starts weighing in your head. I don't want to be a statistic. So but thanks for listening, thanks for being here, thanks for choosing to be here. Um, because you can scroll on past if you don't want to. But stay brutally made. Uh follow along. Um, I'm doing giveaways on Instagram as I hit thousand marks. Um, so if you're into mahjong, I'm doing mahjong giveaways, and um I'll do some I have a mural giveaway coming when I hit 5,000. Just if it, you know, is something that you want to follow along there, please do. I appreciate it. So take care. I will talk to you um probably later next time because I will be away. But um, yeah, stay brutally made and thanks. I appreciate you all. Take care. Bye.
