I Keep Creating Even When I Feel Broken

Grief doesn’t just break your heart, it can scramble your creativity, your motivation, and your sense of who you are. I’m sharing a real-time recap of a week in Seattle where I’m trying to make things again while I’m still deep in trauma and loss. If you’ve ever felt like you can only create when someone gives you a prompt, or like your “voice” went quiet after a hard season, you’ll recognize a lot of what I’m working through here.

We start with the small stuff that still matters, like caring for my little dog after surgery and feeling grateful for a great vet. Then I talk about a character development class at the library that unexpectedly gave me the structure I needed. I drew myself as a kiwi (yes, menopause made it into the character design), and I felt that rare mix of humor and honesty that makes art feel possible again. I also get into sewing, applique, thrifted finds, and repurposing fabric when your supplies and your life are still in boxes.

The heavy layer is navigating widowhood logistics and support: I found the book “Different After You” by Michelle Hernandez, learned about Camp Widow and Soaring Spirits International, and signed up for a local Seattle group. I also open up about the frustration of being denied twice for VA DIC benefits, missing medical records, and how overwhelming it is to fight a convoluted system while you’re grieving. To cope, I lean on comfort shows like Gilmore Girls and Frasier, plus reading and writing things down when the spiral starts.

If this resonates, subscribe, share the episode with someone who’s rebuilding, and leave a review so more people can find the show when they need it most.

Transcript

Grief, Trauma, And Creative Check-In

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hey, welcome back to Bruttifully Made. Um here's another uh recap of a week of trying to be creative um and navigating a lot of obstacles with my grief and trauma and uh find myself again. I swear this is this podcast has turned into this, and I apologize if this is not what you were here for uh and you don't have to stay, but it's kind of just helpful to share in this way. So I'm just gonna continue down this path and you're just gonna see this different evolution of creativity through all of what I'm dealing with.

Dog Surgery Relief And Gratitude

SPEAKER_00 0:51

Um my little doggo had surgery last week and he's doing well. He had his dental cleaning and he had these growths on his body. Um, they they called them little tumors, but they were more like skin tags, and so he had those removed, and um, he's doing really well. And we have a great doctor out here in Seattle. My daughter took her little dog to her, and so I thought I would take mine to him to her, and he uh has done really well. So I'm really glad we found someone that could help him and um that I'm able to take care of him, so he's doing well.

Library Art Class And Kiwi Character

SPEAKER_00 1:29

Um also in the last week, I took the um book character development class at the library, and it was with Vivian Lee, and she is a comic book or a comic artist. She developed this uh book bingo for the King County Library, and it's all these vegetables and fruit characters, just the sweetest platform, but then she taught a little character building class, and so I went to that class, and so um I had to share I am a kiwi, and I have my little granddaughters as little peas in a pod, and then I have my dog and cat as little blueberries, and I'm taking them on an exploration day of Seattle, so that's kind of what I decided to draw in the class, and it was a lot of fun. She's like, Why are you doing a kiwi? And I said, Well, you know, menopause, it's got the little hairs that we all get on the fruit. Um, right now I've got a little green. Uh uh, I'm I'm a little, you know, heart sick. And so that was the also the basis of that kind of character development. And um yeah, I just thought it was kind of funny. You know, I love my overalls. I have my overalls and my little glasses, and there's a little bracelet on there. Um, just really sweet. And, you know, she was giving us prompts of there was like a little sketch paper that we got to like start on. And um, if you're watching the video portion, you can see some of my ideas as I was drawing and what I wanted to do, and then the character as I was doing it. We had like some markers, and I think there were some pastels on the table to use for materials. Um, but also I have a copy of her cute little bingo. So if you're watching on YouTube, you can see her little look how sweet that is. She was super fun and she gave me some ideas for an artist residency here in Seattle that you can sell your work in for six months and you help with the store. So I'm going to look into that, and that's um very uplifting. I I love having it maybe that idea of getting to do that. Um, but yeah, I just had a really good time at that class and meeting her and getting to sit at a table with some new people, got to meet them. Um, it was just a lot of fun, and I needed that space to do something creative. I told you I'm really good at having um the ability to create when I'm given a prompt or a task right now. Freely doing it out of my head is really difficult for me. And um, yeah, I'm struggling with that. I I I've got to find my voice, and it's really hard right now. So it helps to be around a prompt or a goal or something that someone is saying, I need you to make this for me. Um, that's helping me get back into that practice.

Sewing Again With Thrifted Finds

SPEAKER_00 4:42

Um, I got into sewing this week. Um, I made an applique for uh a vest that I bought at a resale or not a resale, but a thrift store. So um got my sewing machine out, ordered some thread because I don't have like all of my materials out. I've everything's still in boxes, so I decided to get some thread and fabric. I can't, I don't have I used to have unlimited fabric. I had a huge stash of fabric and that's gone. I don't have any of that now, so I had to get some fabric. I've been trying to find old um, let's see, I went to Seattle Recreative and they had like little bundles, so I got some of those. I bought some dish towels that I cut up. Let me show you that. Um, in this space, and uh use that for some of the um the pieces. So I just cut up some dish towels and I put the adhesive on the back and pressed it, and then I did my applique stitching on top. So um, yeah, just trying to diversify. I found the cutest towel that I'm going to turn into um shorts and a little t-shirt. It's I love the Terry cloth, and this was like a vintage one. Maybe it's not too vintage, but I just love the colors in it. So I'm going to do that. Um, but yeah, so just trying to sit down and create to get those ideas and practices started again. It's just, you know, really been hard. And I I I want my motivation back. I it's been three months. It's been three months this week on the 13th.

SPEAKER_01 6:28

And um it's just unimaginable.

SPEAKER_00 6:35

Still again, trying not to cry every time we talk

A Grief Book And Camp Widow

SPEAKER_00 6:41

about this. Um, but while I was at the library, I went a little early to take some books back and check out some new books. Um, I really never go there with a a goal or a list of things that I want. I had one book that I wanted to look for. My therapist asked me to look for it and it was out. So I think I'm gonna try to either get it or download an auto, you know, an audible or something of it. But while I was looking through that section, I think it's so ironic how the universe guides you into things. I found this book and it was called it's called Different After You, and it's by Michelle Hernandez. Um, and it's called Rediscovering Yourself, a healing after grief and trauma. And um, I sat down and started to read it because I was waiting for the class to start. Beautiful library in the Shoreline area. So um at the very beginning, you know, and I think also in the back, it talks about how she started um Camp Widow. So when I got home, I looked up Camp Widow, and there's a branch of that here in Seattle. So it is through um Soaring Spirits International. So I signed up to be part of that group, and um they meet, um, and there's a meeting this Sunday, and so um, it's at a coffee shop, I believe. And so uh I think we want to go, and um, it's all about different stages of widowhood, and they're all divided up. You can find people who are newly widowed, um, people that you're are in your age bracket, um, how you became a widow, there's segments of that. Um I listened to one of the um recordings about the stages, and um, it was really, you know, a lot of what my therapist is already doing with me now, and um realizing the thoughts that I'm having aren't being created in my head alone. Other people have thought these things too. Um I haven't really ran across the level of trauma that I'm dealing with, but I'm glad I don't want anybody else to have to deal with what I'm dealing with. Um there are versions, but um yeah, so it was so ironic that I just happened upon this book and I checked it out, and then there are resources that are associated with what she's doing here close to me. So um I'll let you know how that goes. And my art or creative grief group is next week, and so that'll be before my next episode, and I'll let you know how that goes. So um, yeah, it's it's a lot of layers.

VA DIC Denial And Paperwork Fight

SPEAKER_00 9:49

I met with um a volunteer with the VA on Monday at the senior center to talk about my second denial for DIC and for help from the VA. Um, they aren't doing anything for me right now, and so um I have to resubmit everything, they aren't pulling my husband's medical records, and they aren't um, according to the gentleman that sat with me and looked at everything, he went through the submission stuff and they're just blanks where they don't have that information. And he's like, I don't understand, even just based on the service that your husband did and the pain level that he was at, why they are denying you. So um now I am getting statements from people um to send in, and the burden of this on a widow was with someone who had 22 years service and with the combat that he had, this shouldn't this shouldn't be this. This is a very convoluted system. Um the VA in Ohio is still trying to help me, and then I have to get a representative here in Seattle, but I can't have them both working on it. So the one in Ohio is trying to get this done before I get transferred to Seattle. Um, and uh I have people in Cleveland that's trying to help me, I have people in Canton that's trying to help me, and um it's aggravating, it's frustrating, it's um it it baffles me because the VA clinic that he was going to and the one that I went to with him about his PTSD and sat with him and beg the doctors to help him, that's not even in his submission, that's not even in his record that they sent for this review. And so now I have to have I I I don't know what I can do to get them to see that this is in his records where I beg them to help him. And I it's it's so overwhelming. I don't understand this VA system, I don't understand I mean any of it. It's it's so um frustrating. And so I uh yeah, I just uh am dealing with that and um you know, finding more of the things that he was doing and trying to get that submitted into his records, um and things that he didn't share with his doctor.

SPEAKER_01 12:46

I it's just a lot.

SPEAKER_00 12:48

And I just and now I've got you know his co-workers are trying to help, and his uh past employment is trying to help. And I'm grateful for their help. I'm grateful that they're um submitting stuff on on that because honestly, they saw him more than me. They they were with him, they heard his rants, they talked to him, you know, on a daily basis for 13 years. Um and he those were guys that he shared stuff with I'm sure way more than he did with me. I even had to ask one of his co-workers what kind of dip he had because he hid that from me the entire time we were together, and I would tell him how concerned I was about that all the time when I would find something because he was hiding doing it, and he was so good at hiding stuff, and I didn't understand the depth of that until it was gone. And I'm like, you know, what kind did he buy? Because he bought it the day he died, too. It was on his receipts, and I had no idea what kind, I didn't know, no idea, because he would never tell me, and he would always tell me he had quit and that he wasn't doing it anymore. And I know now that uh you know that was one of the many things that he hid, but um because I was so worried about cancer and um him never wanting to follow up with his dentist appointments because he was trying to hide it all all the time, and um it was another thing, you know, that you just realize you just don't know about some of the littlest things and then the bigger things that you have to face and to deal with and um it it's just overwhelming, it's just overwhelming trying to deal with it all, and then as a creative, light, bright, social person, you know, trying to find that in you again it's it's just very daunting, and so I I love having the um goals of brightness and light and um socialization that gets me out of this headspace because I'm in it a lot when I don't have my kids around, when I don't have my grandkids around, when I'm not at an event, when I'm not forced to sit and watch my life unfold in a way that I wasn't expecting, and then it just spirals in two. You know, this thought of grief, it's just it's a bad cycle. It really is.

Comfort TV And Surviving The Spiral

SPEAKER_00 15:58

I just don't want to cry.

SPEAKER_01 16:00

I'm trying really hard, um and watching programs that don't make me think about anything.

SPEAKER_00 16:13

I literally like rewatched all of the Gilmore girls serious like twice in a row since I've moved here, just because one he didn't like that show, so we didn't watch it together, and it was just something that I could have on in the background, and now I don't know why watching Frasier brings me so much comfort. Um it's not one that we really watch together, but it's based in Seattle, and so I'm finding watching that is helping me cope with moving here. I don't know why. I don't know, it's the comedy part, or when they mention little things about the area, and I'm like, I now know what that is, it's so stupid of why that makes me happy watching Fraser, but it does, and there's so many seasons of it, I can do it and know that I can watch it for a while, and it just brings me so much comfort sleepless in Seattle's a little too heavy right now. I tried, and all I did was cry through the whole thing. But Razor's fun and it's helped me.

SPEAKER_01 17:42

And then just reading and writing some of my thoughts down. I don't know. I may not be dealing with this grief the right way, but please know I'm trying.

SPEAKER_00 17:56

Please know that I'm trying not to do it alone. I know people are worried about me.

SPEAKER_01 18:05

But um I'm still here.

SPEAKER_00 18:12

I'm getting through it and I'm still being creative, so thanks for supporting me.

Instagram Goal Mahjong Plans And Closing

SPEAKER_00 18:21

I'm trying to get my Instagram to 10,000. So if you want to follow me on Instagram on my creative side, not just my podcast, go to Brutafly. I would appreciate it. That will help me. It actually will help me financially so I can get more sales for my mahjong. And I'm also looking to teach Mahjong at the uh center that I go to. I talk to the activities director and uh hopefully they will uh allow me to do that in September. It would be free, there's no cost, it's just a way for me to get out and get to play again. I miss playing. I miss hanging out. I miss the I miss the community I built. Everybody was wonderful. And I don't I don't have that right now. My granddaughters made their mom sit down to learn how to play. She was so overwhelmed, she was just blown away how uh they understand. They're six and eight and they can play. And we have so much fun playing, but I want my girl my my my daughters to learn. Oh but um, but yeah, if you want to help me, those things will help so much. So thanks for being here. Thanks for listening. Please stay beautifully made. I need you to know that means so much. Stay creative, share your creativity, it's gonna give me fuel to be creative too. So take care. I'll talk to you next week. Bye.