I Am Learning To Grieve And Create At The Same Time

Watching a home you loved turn into a listing can feel like losing it twice. I’m Tracy, and I’m sharing what it’s like to put my Ohio house on the market while I’m still carrying fresh grief, big feelings, and the weird in-between space of a brand-new life. I talk about the pride and heartbreak of leaving behind years of design choices, routines, and neighbors I truly care about, plus why counseling days have become an anchor.

Creativity is still my work, but it’s also my way back to myself. I share how I’m getting paint on the page again with watercolor florals, and I explain a new limited edition mahjong mat release tied to my own artwork, including the surprise gift that comes with each mat. We also get real about what it takes to keep a small creative business going while you’re grieving: commissions, wholesale orders, restarting a newsletter, and leaning on community support without feeling like you’re “selling” your sadness.

Grief isn’t just emotional, it’s sensory. I talk about why certain sounds and songs are suddenly hard to tolerate, why lo-fi music helps when lyrics feel loaded, and how I’m trying to replace old memories with new experiences. From knitting classes and teaching mahjong locally to line dancing lessons, bike rides, and exploring Edmonds, this is a conversation about rebuilding after loss one hour at a time, with honesty, anger, tenderness, and a little hope for what comes next.

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Transcript

Life Update And A Tender Hello

SPEAKER_00 0:06

Hello everyone. Welcome back. It's Tracy with Brutafly. Happy to be here with you, catching you up on everything surrounding my new life. The uh status of everything is uh moving right along, I guess. It's the best way to put

Putting The Ohio House On Market

SPEAKER_00 0:30

it. House is for sale now in Ohio. So hopefully that sells quickly. Um looks beautiful with uh everything the cleaners did to freshen everything up and uh the pictures that are on the um realtor site. And yeah, just uh excited to see a new family enjoy that space and uh make it their own and want my neighbors to have good neighbors. Uh I love my neighbors, they're wonderful people all around, beautiful neighborhood. Um and just very bittersweet. It's been very hard to um see that go in the market. There's just so much love I put into that place and the things that I wanted to have and colors and design and style. Uh I had Pinterest bored for years and would check off everything that was happening and making it the way that I wanted it. So um yeah, it's hard to it's hard to talk about and not tear up. So I don't wanna I don't want to cry. Every time I talk, I feel like I cry and I don't want to do

Watercolor Returns And Limited Mats

SPEAKER_00 1:50

that. Um of course, you know, Wednesdays are counseling days and uh those are good for me. I need those and uh getting ready to do uh art-based grief counseling here in the area. So I'm anxious to uh participate in that. Uh anxious, excited. Um want to be able to create again with my hands to a point. Um, here if you're watching the video on YouTube, I have been painting. So here's a little bit of some florals that I was doing in watercolor just to put a brush in my hand again and work on some inspiration for some fall special mahjong mats that I was designing for a matter piece collection. So every month, a limited edition mat will come out with my artwork. And uh that will start in September. And it won't be available after that, after the orders are are done uh the month prior, the uh different substrates that you can order on all the ones that I offer. And then uh it won't be made again. So it'll be like a limited edition, and only a hundred mats will be made. So you can choose from the style you want, and then you'll also get a special um gift from me that will go along with your mat. It could be an accessory, it could be something that you can use at the table, um, but it'll be a special surprise that's included too. So um just wanted to offer something fun and exclusive. Um, because everything that I do um mahjong-wise is usually just available, made to order. I don't really limit to how many are out there. I know that that's frustrating for a lot of mahjong players that they feel like they're under the gun ordering something or it's not available. So it's just made to order. And so this is a little bit of a fun way to some of the people that collect some of the mats that I do um to have something more exclusive. And uh another layer on that is the gift that I create to coordinate with that look um as a thank you. So to make it worthwhile. But um, yeah, so that is something that is new. And I gotta start my newsletter up again. I haven't sent one out since um April and I need to do that. Um, it is on my list to do, but I've been um busy. I've been busy with wholesales and I've been busy with uh creating some custom stuff and um with commissions, and I'm very grateful for that. Very thankful that is doing well. I need that, I need that financially, I need that mentally, uh, I need that um connection with others, and I appreciate it. I appreciate the

Finding Community In A New Place

SPEAKER_00 4:52

support. If you're wanting to support me, that's one way you can do it. Um, but socially here, I have uh been in knitting classes and uh signed up to uh teach mahjong locally, and I'm going to uh take dance lessons, uh line dancing lessons. So that's gonna be fun. Uh I got a bicycle, so I'm hoping to find a place to ride um a bicycle and uh maybe take my granddaughters with me. Uh so hopefully it's a like a I don't know, we had the tow path in Stark County, and that was really nice because it was away from the roads and you could just ride and you didn't have to worry about traffic. So I'm looking for something like that here in the area so I can I can know that the kids will be safe if they're dragging behind a little bit or something. So um yeah, they're uh they're they're on my radars to look out for something like that and um and visit some places. I went to lunch this week with another artist friend uh in the area, and uh Amy and I went to the Rusty Pelican in Edmonds, and Edmonds just stole my heart. What a darling town! That was so fun to visit. And I was given some suggestions to go visit uh some of the shops and studios, so did that and gonna go back. So I'm very excited about having that so close and um just love the whole vibe of that area, so sweet. So I uh really enjoyed that visit and the breakfast and her company and just her encouragement, uh, making plans with some other friends. I'm really excited about you know, exploring the area and having some people to meet up with. Um it makes me really happy to have those connections and uh trying to rest. Uh, my counselor is uh adamant that I

Rest, Family Time, And Small Joys

SPEAKER_00 7:00

give myself permission to just get some rest. Um, and I'm trying to do that. Um, but otherwise just spending time with my kids and spending time with my grandchildren and getting to see my granddaughters at her birthday. It's the first birthday party I've ever got to attend. And um, I absolutely loved every second of it, and they're just so sweet, and I just feel so grateful getting to be part of that and getting to be here. But, you know, coming home and sitting down and trying to find the inspiration inside of myself where I used to be able to just be like, oh, you know, I'm gonna paint this,

Sensory Triggers And The Sound Of Grief

SPEAKER_00 7:42

and I feel so happy about these colors and this subject. I'm still struggling, trying to find that inspiration within myself and find some happiness and joy because all of the darkness and all of the sadness and the grief and the anger it creeps in. And I try to quiet it with just like some really soft music, lo-fi. My friend introduced me, Rachel introduced me to that, and uh really and Quincy and Hallie, they they all listen to that, and so um that's been really good because there aren't any words, there aren't any memories attached with that music, that type of music for me, and um it's very good to have that on so I can try to think of other things. So that's usually on in my house or uh a show that I've seen a million times that I can just let play and I don't have to really pay attention to it, it's just noise. Um it's so strange how sounds are very difficult to tolerate.

SPEAKER_01 8:56

That makes any sense if you're grieving.

SPEAKER_00 8:59

It's so it's so odd to explain how things affect your senses and affect your mood and affect your thoughts. Where I didn't really pay attention to that. I don't I guess I didn't pay attention to that as much when I wasn't grieving, but boy, it's really difficult to deal with some of it, and it's not like I want to sit in the silence, but I don't want to be reminded of things or of times or situations or certain memories, and it's uh hard because music was part of my creativity. I would play some fun playlists at the shop while we played Mahjong or what we had in a class or you know, when we had a gallery opening, music was a big part of it, and it's just really hard for me to listen to some of that now. I need to get into some you know, new decades, new music coming up that I didn't share any memories with him. I need to find some that will represent something new. So I'm waiting for the future, if that makes any sense at all. I'm waiting for these new experiences to be made to replace all of this stuff that I keep going back to. I need I need replacements. I um I'm anxiously awaiting for those next steps. And it's so hard because you're just trying to get this step, this day, this hour. Tried to get through that.

SPEAKER_01 10:57

And um you're just constantly reminded on this date or this experience that was shared, and um maybe you don't want to

Anger, Realizations, And Telling The Truth

SPEAKER_01 11:12

remember that.

SPEAKER_00 11:13

I don't know how many people are grieving like I'm grieving, where you don't want to recall a certain memory.

SPEAKER_01 11:22

It's too hard. You don't want to remember you don't want to relive it was a false positive that makes any sense.

SPEAKER_00 11:37

I've had a lot of uh realizations that the things that I thought were positive were not, and it's really hard to hear people send me positive things about how they're dealing with all of this because not everybody is grieving in that way. And I want them to be healthy and I want them to be happy and I want them to cope. But in the same vein, I'm trying to do it on a whole different level. And um it's it's hard, it's hard to compartmentalize, I guess, this anger I have and hurt and explain it. And I'm not in a place where I have to explain it every day, I don't have to talk about it with anybody except for my counselor. Um my kids and I talk about it on a different level, and um I guess that's a blessing to a point, but I miss my friends and I miss the socialization I have with people that I knew and that I was comfortable with and who I care about, and it's like what do I replace that with right now? Because all I have is myself, you know. I don't have my daughters on a daily basis or my granddaughters on a daily basis, and so I just have my art, my creativity, and I want it to be positive, I don't want it to be dark, I don't want it to be hurting, but maybe I need to create that way for a little bit to get it out. So that's why I signed up for a creative grief um group, because maybe I can make those kind of things in that situation just to get it out, um, and to where it's acceptable in that scenario. Because when I start going down the rabbit hole of like how I'm really feeling at the end of the day, I think it's scary for people to see that. Especially with me. I'll get messages telling me how strong I am and how I'm gonna get through it. And it's yeah, thank you.

SPEAKER_01 14:15

But man, I don't want to be strong anymore. It's so hard.

SPEAKER_00 14:23

I want to be light and bright and fun and smiling again. And I'm tired of being strong. Damn it, I'm crying again. So I just keep working at it. That's all I can do is trying to uh create in the middle of all this and ask for your grace and maybe some suggestions

Writing, Patterns, And Moving Forward

SPEAKER_00 14:58

if you have um some suggestions, some subjects that maybe I can concentrate on. I have some homework to do for uh my counselor, so I'll be working on that and I am writing every day. I have not gone back to read it. I started it before I knew the depth of what I was dealing with. And then I know as the writing has gotten darker and more upsetting because of more of the stuff that I'm finding out and the more I'm dealing with it's been uh heavier and I I don't have I don't have it in me to go back and read what I wrote from what one mindset was to now. I don't know what I will, but I'm not ready for that right yet because it's still just pouring out of me of where I'm at right now. So yeah. As an artist, you know, I work in patterns a lot today talking to my counselor or working on patterns in my life and trying to identify those and uh in the depth of where they have been and all kinds of different relationships that I've had between family and friends and people.

SPEAKER_01 16:43

It's really interesting. It's uh this journey's pretty enlightening.

SPEAKER_00 16:52

I wouldn't wish it on anyone to have to find out who they really are through something like this. But here I am sharing it with you.

SPEAKER_01 17:02

Here I am dealing with it.

SPEAKER_00 17:04

And if it can help anyone deal with their grief or their hurt or their anger listening to me go through it on a weekly basis, sharing it, then I hope it helps. Because uh I don't know I don't know what I'm doing just sharing where I'm at and um trying to be creative along the way.

SPEAKER_01 17:39

So I'll get there. I will get back to a lighter person, a happier person. Just not there yet. We're all dealing with something and everybody has something.

SPEAKER_00 17:57

We don't know what that is. You gotta be kind to one another. And if you're in a relationship, you gotta be honest with one another and talk to one another.

SPEAKER_01 18:08

Truly be honest. It's amazing how uh the things that you do in life and search for it's like a big algorithm anymore. Even though you think you're deleting stuff. Something can reveal it in an algorithm and never it's never deleted.

SPEAKER_00 18:41

Keeps coming back in your face, let you know that's what that person was doing, that's what that person wanted.

SPEAKER_01 18:49

This is who this person really was. No matter what they delete, it's there. It's in there. They can delete all the history they want. Doesn't matter. It's there. So I'm dealing with a lot of history that somebody didn't want to share when they were here, and now it's my mess to try to comprehend. I didn't deserve any of this. Nobody did.

SPEAKER_00 19:40

And um I'm gonna I'm gonna get through it. Definitely gonna get through it. So thanks for listening. Thanks for being here. Thanks for supporting me. And uh maybe next week I'll sound a little lighter. So take care. Have a great weekend. Stay briefly, mate. Bye.