What Does Safety Mean After Everything Breaks

A normal day at a huge family event can turn into a life-or-death sprint in seconds, and the aftermath doesn’t end when you finally get out of the crowd. We’re sharing a raw, first-person story of being caught near a mass shooting in Seattle with young grandkids, the split-second choices we made to keep them safe, and what it feels like to watch children stay brave while adults try not to fall apart. 

That trauma hits on top of a season already packed with grief and disorientation: losing a spouse, moving across the country, rehoming pets, watching your old life disappear, and fighting through the mental load of VA systems and unanswered questions around PTSD and support. We talk honestly about therapy, the daily effort of getting up, and the heavy, lonely moment of looking in the mirror and wondering what the day will bring. 

We also look for the next tiny foothold forward: rebuilding self-trust, untangling perfectionism as an artist, and taking small steps that create real momentum like getting a library card, signing up for a class, reaching out to local creatives, and letting yourself sit in a coffee shop with a book without rushing to “fix” everything. If you’re searching for coping strategies for grief, trauma recovery, or starting over later in life, this conversation offers both truth and practical next moves. 

What motivates you when life feels uncertain?

Transcript

Welcome Back And A Hard Week

SPEAKER_00 0:05

Hello, welcome back to a new episode of Brutally Made. Um, it's been a week. It has been quite a week. I uh kind of opened up the broadcast and the podcast last week. Um just kind of reintroducing myself into a whole new uh life here in Seattle.

Caught In The Seattle Shooting

SPEAKER_00 0:30

And over the weekend, uh went with my family to uh my first like big public outing. And we went to Bide of Seattle on Sunday and took the grand kids and uh were caught right in the middle of a mass shooting, and it was one of the most frightening experiences I've ever had in my life, and it just really threw me for a loop. And my granddaughters, eight and uh six years old, were uh so brave and they did such a good job listening, and uh their parents and I were just completely frightened by just the entire ordeal. Um it really just happened right behind us and the chaos of everybody running. We could see the smoke from the weapons when it um when they were discharged. Um we were in the playground area and the kids were way up on this giant climbing apparatus, and it was the first time I had ever been in that part of the park. Um, it was near um where they were with carnival games and just lots and lots of families and kids. And the entire event was just huge. I mean, I've I've seen estimates of 280,000 people. I'm sure that was for the entire weekend. Um, but it was just, you know, so many people. And um we were having a wonderful time until that happened, of course. Um yeah, it's just so hard to process everything that I am dealing with, and then have that on top of it. Um just I can't comprehend. I can't put my head around like all the things that the universe is like putting in front of me and immersing me in. I don't know how to handle it. I don't know how to explain to myself that yeah, you know, it's been said that you can't handle more than you know, you're strong enough to handle. And somebody thinks I'm really strong because I don't know how much more I can take. It's just so much. And I don't know. I mean, I'm in therapy. I mean, I have a wonderful counselor, she's great, and she's trying to help me process everything that is happening. Um, but it is tough. It is just like, how do you look at yourself in the mirror going, geez, what's today gonna bring? What you know, just want some calm space to create and just have a quiet life. And it's not that. It has not been that since May. It's just been tremendously overwhelming. Um trying to process everything. Ugh, even the kids when they were in the middle of it, we were like huddling. We got really like shoved into the back of um the park where the barricades were. And I'm just instinctively was like, we cannot stay here. We cannot get stuck in this and where there's no way out. There was nowhere to go. So pulling the girls and they're just talking about how they've had drills for like shootings at school, and that the older one who's eight is telling her little sister it's like that. In the middle of all of this, she's trying to calm her little sister, saying this is like this the drills at school. And her mom is just very calmly, like, okay, we have to listen. They were so high up in this like playground area, we had to get them, um, at least the oldest one down and not lose one another in all the chaos of all the running. And we didn't know if the people that were shooting were running towards us because they were right behind us. And it was just horribly frightening. It was just, you know, and I I the things I had got the girls we had left on the bench that we were at. I mean, I just um we just grabbed them and took off. And um watching them stay so calm and listening to us, like we have to run, we have to go, we have to like get out of the park. And um, and there was just so many people and not wanting them to fall and not wanting them to get trampled on, and just you know, the three of us, the three adults trying to stay calm, but just wanting to protect them. It was just incredibly overwhelming, incredibly scary. And I couldn't get past the fact like, how is this happening to me after all the stuff I have been through? Now this layer, and I don't want that to sound selfish. I don't want that, it was not about me at all. This was about the public and these, you know, poor souls who lost their lives and a child was hurt, and it was just horrendous. But in that moment, not knowing any of this, I'm just sitting huddled, going another thing, another heavy, unbelievable, this was not on my bingo card for 2026 to happen to me thing. And I just couldn't understand, like how how much more do I have to deal with?

Layered Losses And VA Struggles

SPEAKER_00 6:37

I just it's just so hard to wrap my head around to understand, you know, and I'm trying to understand all the losses that I've had and how I'm supposed to deal with it all, and how I thought I was being so proactive and trying to get help for my husband and the VA and trying to get them to help him to where he felt comfortable in getting help, and then losing him, and now in the process of moving and discovering things about him I didn't know was going on, and not understanding who this person was in my life, and now trying to deal with that, and trying to deal with the loss of my my friends, my community, my business, my art, everything that I had security in, losing my home, losing everything that you can think of that that secured you, that that made you feel safe. All of that is gone. And trying to find out what I needed to help me I guess heal. And uh talking to my daughters and deciding that coming to where they lived and trying to like restart was the best idea, and making that move and then realizing I had to lose my pets because I couldn't bring them with me, the majority of them. I could only bring one dog and one cat, and they were a comfort to me, and it was super hard. I I was able to re-home the ones that I needed to re-home with people that I knew, which was really important to me, and I appreciate them beyond measure taking those animals, but it still is really hard, and every decision that I've had to make, losing like everything that I had, majority of stuff that I had for like 26 years in Ohio, is gone, and they were just things, but there were memories, and there were things that you know helped define who I was and the life that I had, and there were things that were my kids and the memories and stuff, and and the way that I did art and how I created and how I was always so positive and how everything was bright. That's really hard to get back to right now. I'm I'm creating now and I'm working because I have to make money, I have to have an income, but I'm also wanting to help my daughter with the kids, and so I'm trying to balance that. I'm trying desperately to get the VA to understand how all of this was, you know, his PTSD, and he had tried for a long time to get help, and this year actually being at the VA with him, begging them to help him, and then the battles that I'm dealing with right now trying to get them to listen, it's it's just so overwhelming, it's just really overwhelming. And

Identity, Self Trust, And Perfection

SPEAKER_00 10:32

then coming to realize all the stuff he didn't share and who he was, and accepting that, which I don't know if I ever will, and looking at myself through a whole different lens of like who I am, and I'm so hard on myself, and I think we as women are always really judgmental, we're our own worst critic, and then layer that on top of being an artist, and nothing that you do is ever right or perfect, and I'm always saying perfection, it does not measure who you are, it doesn't have to be perfect, and I I truly believe that, and I'm not even wanting to be perfect, I'm just wanting to be real and wanting to be authentic, but I don't know what that is right now because I don't know who I I don't know who I am, and it's just so weird not to define yourself by another person, I guess, or what you have been to other people for so long and it's gonna take a long time to find me and to trust myself again. I have no trust in myself. I feel like I have made like terrible, terrible decisions in light of the things that I'm learning and I'm just trying to uh find a way to breathe every day, and I know I'm not the only one dealing with this. I know I'm not the only one that something bad has happened to. And I'm very thankful that I have some help. But man, it is a daily struggle, it is a daily effort to get up and go. And I'm telling you that yes, my grandchildren and my daughters, they totally give me a reason and totally give me hope. And that's a lot to put on their shoulders. I don't want to be a burden, I don't want that to be their responsibility. I guess I've gotta find reasons and goals for myself and as somebody that has taken care of somebody their entire life now just has to concentrate on themselves. That is so weird, that is so hard to do. So I'm trying.

Small Steps Toward A New Life

SPEAKER_00 13:44

Um my therapist told me to make a list of things that I wanted to do. I'm like staring at this page. I don't know. I don't know. I got a library card. I went and got went to the library, um, I signed up for a class. I'm reaching out to other artists here in the community to just like meet up with them. I sat at a coffee shop yesterday and was having coffee and reading a book that I checked out from the library and got invited to a blog party. I'm like, maybe I should go. I I don't know. I don't know. There's just it's so strange to have the ability to just do whatever you want and not know what to do. Not to what I don't know what to choose, I don't know what direction to go. It's so weird. It's starting over at 56 years old. I don't I don't know how to handle it. I don't know what to do. So it's little are this little artist is a little lost right now. And I I've gotta find a new direction and I'm grateful for everyone that's still continuing to support my business. That's a little overwhelming. I'm like, man, this is doing well and I don't want the other shoe to drop. I don't have faith in the positive because I've just had the rug pulled out from under me so much. Man, it's just I don't know how to handle that distrust in everything. I don't know what's real and what's not and what is gonna stick and what is temporary. Does it matter? Do I need to worry about that? It's hard, it's really difficult. Let me know how you deal with all of this, all this overwhelming uncertainty, which everybody has. No, but nothing is certain. Life is not certain. I know this. But yeah, this is me getting through another week. This is me trying to make it all work. Trying to find some people to play mahjong with. Um trying not to overwhelm my kids. Trying to be a good grandma, trying to be a good person. Trying to love life again. I guess that's what I want.

Falling Back In Love With Life

SPEAKER_00 16:39

It's just I'm not gonna find love with anybody else. I just wanna fall in love with life again and myself to be happy with me. So we'll see how long that takes, if ever. But I'm gonna be sharing that exploration, cuz all I have is you guys to talk to right now. But yeah. So here's to creating through grief, see how it looks, and finding that light again, and uh sharing what motivates you. Share with me what motivates you, what makes you happy, what gets you through the dark times. It'll help me. So take care. Have a great, calm, creative week. Stay brutally made. I will talk to you next time. Bye, but