What Happens To Your Identity When Your Life Shatters

One day you’re making plans, and the next you’re standing in the wreckage of a life you thought was secure. I’m back on Brewtifully Made to tell the truth about what the last two months have been: becoming a widow at 56, closing my art studio, letting go of my home, and moving across the country to start over with two of my daughters and granddaughters nearby. It’s overwhelming, messy, and nothing like the “strong and steady” version of me I expected to be.

I talk about suicide loss and what it’s like to carry grief while trying to protect six kids between us, especially his sons. I also share the complicated layers that come with a veteran’s PTSD, the frustration of navigating support systems like the VA, and the shock of realizing how much a digital footprint can reveal. Finding messages, images, traces of his thought processes and writings after he’s gone has been gut-wrenching, because it can change how you understand the person you loved and it can make you question everything, including yourself.

I’m leaning hard on therapy, community, and the small acts that keep me tethered to life. Creativity is still part of my healing, even when my heart is too heavy to make “bright and fun” art. I’m trying to find a new normal, even if normal feels overrated, and I’m holding onto glimmers of light through family, pets, and tiny creative steps.

If this resonates, share this with someone who needs it...maybe it can help more people find honest conversations about grief, trauma, and creative healing. What’s one small thing that helps you keep going?

Transcript

Welcome And Why The Podcast Changes

SPEAKER_01 0:07

Hello everybody. Um, welcome back to uh Bruttifully made. I guess I should still call this podcast that. Um, but yeah, there's been a lot of changes in my life, and um just wanted to kind of catch everybody up and where things are and um almost dive into a new way of approaching creativity um and dealing with life changes and grief and trauma. And um it seems like a lot of the most uh most artists in our, I guess, history have dealt with a lot of challenges, and now I am no different. Um

Sudden Loss And Starting Over

SPEAKER_01 1:03

yeah, I'm into the second month of um a lot of changes. I had to uh deal with the sudden death of my husband in May, and uh subsequently I had to close my art studio and I also have uh to move. Uh could not keep our home, and so that is uh on the market here soon. Um and then I moved across the country and now I am with my uh daughters, two of my three daughters in uh a new state, and uh yeah, starting an entire new life. And it's uh it's a lot, it's a lot to process. I just don't know how I'm gonna do it, and um it's teaching me a lot of lessons, and I could only bring a couple of my pets. I had to re-home three of my cats and two of my dogs, so um still a lot to unpack. And I really, you know, struggled with where to start and what to share, um, how to process everything. Uh, it's very healing to be in an entirely new place and with my children near me, um, and my granddaughters are with me, um, and my son-in-laws. Um, it's it's a lot. It's it's overwhelming. It wasn't just one loss, it wasn't just losing him, it was losing all of my plans and my dreams. We were together 15 years and we had known each other since we were 12. And um

Veteran PTSD VA And Secrets Online

SPEAKER_01 3:07

yes, he was a veteran. Um, he did deal with a lot of PTSD. It is a lot to navigate with this system, with the VA system. Um, but on top of that, it's just been a lot to deal with finding out a lot about him that I didn't know. Um, and uh your digital footprint never dies. As much as you think you delete things, it comes back. And um, it's been a struggle dealing with a lot of that. It's not been easy, and um I just have to work through a lot. Um, I have a wonderful counselor. Today is my therapy day. I will probably have her for a very, very long time, if not a lifetime. And and it's gonna take a lot to work through everything. Um it's just been really tough. We had six children between us and trying to protect them and their feelings and their hearts, making sure they're okay. Very worried about the boys, his sons. Um my husband had taken his life. He died by suicide. But a few years ago, his younger brother chose that same path, it's just a different method. And uh dealing with that knowledge that both of them did this, and then dealing with what I know of their past and family history makes me very concerned for those boys, and reading things that my husband has written about his time in the military and finding other things that define who he was that I didn't know is it

Suicide Grief And Protecting Children

SPEAKER_01 5:35

is so overwhelming and gut wrenching and difficult to deal with. Um yeah, I need help, and I have help, but being a widow at 56 is overwhelming. It's hard to create bright and fun and beautiful things with your heart being so heavy, and I can't tell you how big of a support system that I've had with my children, but with my friends, even though you know the physical ones are clear across the country now, having a great network of online friends and some creative communities that are helping me get through this, that have been so kind, who have been sending cards and beautiful artwork and just reaching out and checking on me. A lot of them don't understand the depths of everything that I'm dealing with, and um yeah, it's it's hard to not be angry and not be sad and not be mad when you're like playing with your grandkids or when you're sitting down and wanting to draw flowers, it's sometimes coming out, and I've got to figure out a way to process that and to deal with it. Oh, this whole life is just like I'm watching a bad movie. I feel so disconnected from who I am and what I am and who I wanted to be. I've got to redefine everything. Lily won't go off my lap. So if you're watching the video portion, you can see I'm petting her because she wants to sit here because I'm talking. Um yeah, it's it's so hard because this person that I am now, I have never been. And I wouldn't wish this on anybody. I just feel like I've been so protective of everybody else. And it's hard to put myself first. It really is. I don't know how to do that. Yeah, I I've I've been coming to grips with having to put myself first when I've put everybody else first for so long. It's hard. I don't know how to do it. Oh I miss I miss my space to create. I miss seeing all the kids. That's why it comforts me to be around my children and my grandchildren. It's it's just it's so difficult to express all the levels that I'm still dealing with, and I'm gonna be dealing with for a long time. So the journey in this podcast may change a little bit just because it's gonna help me heal to talk about how I'm dealing with stuff. So that may make you want to, I don't know, find something a little bit more brighter. But um, I've been so transparent and sharing with everybody for almost four years, three or four years now with this, and I want to continue it because it means so much to connect with people, and maybe this will help somebody else that's going through something similar to realize that when it's this heavy, and you start finding out a little bit deeper of maybe why

Community Support And Creating With Pain

SPEAKER_01 10:02

somebody did something like this because you're blaming yourself, you're telling yourself that you should have seen it, that you should have done something more that you could have. And I literally was trying, not understanding what was wrong for years asking, I thought the right questions, going to doctor's appointments, encouraging help, and I'm going back through old texts and old messages and seeing over and over and over again, but then finding stuff that was never shared that I didn't know who this person was, and it's it's devastating, it's like losing them all over again because you didn't know who they were. And yeah, I just got a lot to deal with, a lot to deal with, and I just gotta figure out a way to get through it all. I will never not have this grief. I just have to learn to live with how to process it on a daily basis. And I gotta get creative again, I gotta get happy. I'm such a positive, genuinely happy person. This light is not there fully. There's glimmers of it when I'm with my grands and with my kids, but at the end of the day, sitting alone devastated, that's my life is hard. And then you start thinking about all the things that you're realizing and finding, and it's like, who am I? Who was I? Who was I with this person? What did what does all this mean? And all the things that I thought, oh, this was what was wrong. It wasn't. You were just an excuse or a deflection. Yeah, it's just really hard to come to grips with. And I'm not gonna be able to do it without help, and I've just got to find ways to be creative to get me through processing all of this. So my art is out na uh uh is also a huge part of my therapy, it's gonna help me get through it all. And I just have sorry I'm sniffling so bad. I still can hardly get through talking about everything without crying. One day, one day I will. One day I will. It's just not today, it's not gonna be for a while again. So if it is uh not helpful or if it's triggering to hear me maybe skip a few months until I feel like all I can talk about is more happy things, but this is me right now, and this is how I'm dealing with um these changes, and uh I can't wait to find it a different normal, a new normal.

Finding A New Normal Through Art

SPEAKER_01 13:34

I don't know what to call it, normals overrated, and I don't know who I'm gonna be. I keep seeing these memes that say, if my 2019 self was taking 2026 out for coffee, they would spit the latte out at the stories I'd have to tell them. And that's so true, absolutely so true. Never would have had on my bingo card that 2026 was going to be so devastating, so life-changing, that I would be a widow, that I would be dealing with the loss of my business, the loss of everything that I built, the loss of my home, the loss of any security I had whatsoever, that I had put all my faith into, the loss of somebody that I held in high esteem and high regards and cared about. And then realizing that I didn't know who that person was, never thought that this would have happened, never saw this as the end result, knowing how they reacted to their brother and a friend choosing this fighting for other veterans through phone calls to the suicide mind to help them. But then realizing the dates that these things happened and how they aligned with things I'm finding out and what everything means. That's why I need help dealing with everything and then worrying about our kids and our grandchildren and coming to grips with everything.

SPEAKER_00 15:32

It's hard, it's really hard.

SPEAKER_01 15:38

I gotta find a way that I can't let it define who I am. I don't know who I am right now.

SPEAKER_00 15:47

Oh gosh, but I still want to find a way to be brutally made.

SPEAKER_01 15:56

Oh goodness.

Small Bright Spots And Moving Forward

SPEAKER_01 16:00

On the creative side, um, I did get a new collaboration. Uh, so hopefully you're finding that on my social media accounts. Mahjong is still in my life. I've taught my grandchildren how to play. They um are almost six and eight and just so smart. And also drawing so they can make their own little mats. They're so sweet. Um, yeah, so I do have some positive lights. I'm still waiting on my stuff from Ohio. It's not here yet. So uh yeah, but my pets made it, I made it, my truck made it. I just need to find a place. I'm just in a temporary place right now, but um yeah, it is uh the Pacific Northwest for me now.

Goodbye And Weekly Goal

SPEAKER_01 17:01

So thanks for listening, and uh yeah, I can't wait to be more creative, share some ideas, be encouraging, but I'll get through this. I just gotta find a way and I'll share all these struggles and these steps with you the way that I know how. They're not 100% proven, they're not right. I don't know what I'm doing.

SPEAKER_00 17:34

Um but this is a crazy life. It is a crazy life. And I I can't believe this is where I'm at. I can't believe this is my life.

SPEAKER_01 17:53

It is like a bad movie. So if you like bad movies, welcome. Take care, and I will talk to you next time. Hopefully, I'll do this once a week. Alright. Bye.